He did what???

Ok heh heh, sorry about that lil maury scare, i'm just gonna say it loud and clear right here, josh is not pregnant. for real.

so newayz, i just saw josh at his desk, typing away at some stuff. we avoided eye contact, i don't know why i did that. but then i was in the hallway and i said his name really loud and stretched out, "joooooshhhhhh!" i don't know why i did that either. i think i just wanted him to acknowledge me an tell me i'm worthy. i've been feelin lately like maybe everyone hates me, like that maybe i'm an evil person and i have a black soul and stuff. like maybe i'm going to hell. and then yesterday i had some friends tellin me that i'm on a crash course downward spiral of self-destruction, and that's really funny to hear, an i lol-ed really hard. but then on my bike ride home i waz thinkin about it and i waz like oh man i think they're right. sooo basically i just feel like maybe im some kind of devil child, and i'm standing in the hallway, and i'm avoiding eye contact with the one person in the world that probably still loves me, probably like the one person in the world who thinks that i still have a heart of gold despite all the shit i've done and the wwrongs i've committed in the past few weeks. i mean, when josh looks at me i just feel like he's some kinda breathless sea creature and he doesnt see the black cloud that looms above my soul, the barren tundra which weighs upon my heart, the meth addiction. and i dont know if he knows that, i mean, i dont know if he knows that when he looks at me and when he talks to me he's the one person in the whole wide world who doesn't sound hateful. i dnt know if he realizes how important he is to me. i've joked around about wanting to marry him and he's always rlly awkward so he's jess like 'haha', but all jokes come from truth, right? the truth is, josh, i really do want to marry you. but yea, back to the story, i said his name really loud in the hall hoping maybe he'd come out of his office and b like 'oh heyyy what's up did i tell you you're a totally great person and btw i love you?' he didn't tho, i think he's working on a paper or something for an upcoming conference, that's what he told me he was up to yesterday. i'm gonna see him later tonight and i think i might tell him all the stuff i just told u, but maybe i'll type it up or write it in a letter and read it to him, cuz otherwise i'd get nervous and forget everything i really want to say.